Stephen Harper
Stephen Harper is the current Prime Minister of Canada, which makes him irrelevant to U.S. citizens. He is the leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, and captain of the George W. Bush fan club. He is also rumored to have slain his opponents with a single glance from his laser eyes. Under his rule the Canadian economy has soared with the CND dollars even surpassing the American. Harper resides in the official residential igloo of Canada, along with 10 sled dogs and a French-Canadian beaver-pelt trapper named Louis. Stephen Harper does not eat babies, although it has been proven he often consumes children's shoes. Only the bear-humping terrorists (the FLQ) want you to believe he eats babies. Vampire? Stephen Harper is also not a vampire... stop saying that. Rise to power Harper was originally an obscure fur trader until Stephen Colbert eventually endorsed him in an episode of the Colbert Report. Almost immediately afterwards he was elected to power in a landslide election, moving Canada into the category of "Friend to America," a reversal of their previous status, "foreign." Harper's policies Harper is sometimes said to be Bush Jr., just as Canada is America Jr. The Canadian people eagerly embrace this status. Harper’s Conservative Party of Canada currently holds “majority status” in the Canadian state legislature, meaning he holds a majority of the seats (and a majority of the votes) in the House. This has effectively enabled him to dismantle gay rights during this term in office. But may soon change, depending on if Jack Layton is still leader of New Democratic Party or not. Openly and officially Supports TORTURE! Congratulations Canada! you've joined the elite nations in your latest step away from Liberal Propaganda! America all future generations of Americans salute you! Take that COMMIES!! Bear Rumour It has been rumoured that Stephen Harper is actually a bear. Speculation began when his seamstress, a Philipine immigrant named Dabu, began receiving strange requests from the "Prime Minister". Harper was constantly asking his seamstress to make tail holes in his trousers so as not to crush his tail when he was required to wear pants. He also refused to wear his brazere unless it clearly depicted rabbits, squirrels and other small animals included among his favourite meals. Thus, Harper is not a bear; however, it has been proven that staring into his eyes for a prolonged period of time will turn the onlooker into a bear. There is a preventative step that can be taken to avoid becoming a bear. Canadian scientists recently discovered the reason why French-Canadians are immune to Harper’s gaze, correlating the consumption of poutine with an immunity to Harper’s cold soulless eyes. This is how the Prime Minister’s roommate Louis is able to remain human while living in the national igloo. Harper-bot A little known fact is that Harper is actually some form of super intelligent Robot/Cyborg (and by super intelligent I do mean dumb as a deranged letter opener). His plans include stealing the brains of everyone in the legislature; fortunately for the cabinet Harper has yet to find any semblance of brains within the Canadian parliament. External links, eh? *Learn more about THIS Stephen from the NFZ, courtesy of people who really know about Canada... *Canadian terrorist arrested